


Fearing fusion

by raggedy_ginger



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff and Humour, Fusion, Garnet the walking love goddess, Gem!Reader - Freeform, Reader is a crystal gem who joined during the war, Romantic Fluff, Slow Build, The crystal gems are cinnamon rolls, This was meant to be a oneshot but it ran away with me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-07-22 13:02:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7440307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raggedy_ginger/pseuds/raggedy_ginger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all started with fusion. Although when it came to Garnet everything started with fusion.<br/>Pity you were terrified of fusion, the one thing you could do to get close to the aloof gem you had fallen for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this started as a one shot but then it grew too long for one chapter and then it was suggested that I turn it into a full story.  
> The first chapter is one I'm not entirely happy with but I wanted to get it online so I could see if people like it. 
> 
> First off some background, the reader is a crystal gem who joined during the war. You can decide what gem you'd like to be but you are going to be stronger than most. As you were a warrior on Home world.  
> Constructive criticism is welcomed! So tell me what you think and where you'd like this to go.

Corrupted gems were just... wrong. They looked wrong, the felt wrong, they were just wrong.  
And as I launched myself through the air to land on the gargantuan creatures back , I couldn't repress the shivers of revulsion at the things existence.  
First of all, it was easily the size of the temple statue. Or a powerful fusion. It's limbs were twisted and sickening, even more so when it moved.  
The worst thing was its face, the lower half was cracked and crumbled beyond recognition. Leaving only the eyes visible. One was a dirty white colour, hints of red at the corners. But the other... A rough and jagged dull green gem took its place. I felt one of the creature's hands clamp down on me, nearly hard enough to crack my gem, and suddenly I was thrown through the air and slammed against the side of gem building.  
Constantly being thrown around like a ragdoll was another reason I hated corrupted gems. 

I got to my feet with a groan and summoned another set of dual swords from my gem. This time I charged for the legs, slashing and hacking as I tried to cripple it. Amethyst did the same, cutting and pulling with her whip.  
Pearl and Garnet were both trying to go straight for the gem.  
I was distracted by Amethyst's pained yell as she was kicked by one of the things feet. I only just managed to hold my own against the giant fist that came crashing down on me. I was forced to my knees as it slowly pushed me down, straining against the pressure I shapeshifted my arms into sharp blades that sliced through the corrupted gems fingers, there was a horrific screech of pain as it clutched it's wounded hand to itself and used a whole one to slap me across the deserted gem facility we were fighting in.  
Only I was caught by familiar strong arms.  
Garnet.  
She checked me over as she gently set me down on the ground. Her hands lingered over my waist as she put me down. 

"Only a fusion can beat that thing."  
I pushed down the fearful feeling at the thought of fusion.  
"Sugilite is too chaotic for this place. One wrong move and this place will crumble. Sardonyx is strong but she can't match that things power."  
Garnet nodded at my analysis and turned to look at me.  
"That's why we have to fuse."  
The words froze my conscious thought even as I stumbled away from her. Panic rose as I remembered being trapped and smothered by another. 

No.  
Can't go back.  
Can't go back.  
No.  
No.

"Y/N?" Garnet shaking me broke my haze. "We need to fuse now, or the others will get hurt."  
Pearl and Amethyst. My head spun.  
I couldn't let them get hurt, but the feeling of suffocating...losing myself.

I pushed the memories and emotions from my mind. I wouldn't let Pearl and Amethyst be hurt because of me.

Garnet was still waiting for an answer.  
"I'm fine... Let's fuse."  
She frowned but held out her hand. I grabbed it and held on with crushing force. I couldn't help but shut my eyes as we went through the motions and suddenly I felt the tingle as my body mingled with Garnet's. A flash of light and suddenly I wasn't me. I felt the calming presence of Garnet and Sapphire and Ruby.  
I didn't feel calm.  
Dimly I realised our fusion was fighting the corrupted gem.  
But I could only feel suffocated. Trapped. Overwhelmed.  
I felt alone even as Garnet, Sapphire and Ruby spoke to me. Concern and a strange tenderness emanated from the trio and I felt so small. Crushed.  
But I had to stay this way. Can't fall apart. Can't split. Not until they were safe. It seemed like eons passed as I tried not to break. As soon as our fusion shattered the corrupted gem I let go. 

Another blinding flash of light and I was myself again. On my hands and knees amongst the rubble as I shivered uncontrollably, I felt hot and weak.  
I could hear footsteps as the others approached us. I couldn't look at them. Not like this. Not now. I couldn't let them see me like this.  
A few metres away the warp pad gleamed in the sunlight. I dashed to it. Only catching a glimpse of Pearl and Amethyst's worried expressions and Garnet's shaking back as she knelt on the ground before I warped back to the temple. 

It was dusk when I warped back, the house was dark and quiet as I walked through it, I couldn't be here when the gems came back. Steven was with his dad and Connie for the night so I didn't have to worry about faking normal behaviour for him.

The night air was cool as I stepped outside and leaped over the balcony and onto the beach.  
As I walked along the shoreline I just focused on the smell and sound of the sea, taking deep breaths of the salty air as I tried to calm myself. It was miles down the beach when my legs felt shakey and I had to sit. I wrapped my arms around my legs as I rested my head on my knees.  
In the distance there was a flash of light and I knew the gems were back. 

It wasn't long before someone joined me. I glanced to the side to see Amethyst lying down on the sand, her unruly mane of hair spread put like a blanket beneath her.  
"You okay, Amethyst?"  
"Yeah."  
"Pearl and Garnet?"  
She rolled over to squish against my side and I smiled and ran my hand through her white hair as she sighed happily at the sensation.  
"They're okay. Pearl was kind of freaked out that you ran off. And Garnet was just... quiet. She went into her room as soon as we got back. You okay though ,dude?"  
I smiled faintly as she looked at me at me with concern.  
"I'm better than before. Just memories messing me up."  
She frowned and looked up at me.  
"Memories of Homeworld?"  
"Yeah..."  
She shoved me lightly and I smiled at her way of showing affection.  
"You should talk to Pearl and Garnet about it. I've never even been to Homeworld."  
"Ah, but you're just such an amazing listener."  
"Huh? Sorry, I wasn't listening." I rolled my eyes as she grinned at me. "Haha. Very funny ,Amethyst." She stuck her tongue out at me and I copied her childishly and we laughed at ourselves. The two of us carried on talking and joking the rest of the night and well into the morning, only walking back to the temple when we heard the familiar hoot of Greg's van as he passed us by on his way to drop Steven off. 

Amethyst and I dashed along the beach, racing each other to see who would get home before Steven first, as we shoved and teased each other we were both unaware of how much things would change when we got home.  
Whether it was for the better or not...


	2. Story for Steven

Napping was so enjoyable. I thought to myself as I lay in the corner of the couch.  
It was no work and all reward. I usually got to curl up next to Steven or Amethyst, sometimes Pearl or Garnet if they kept still for long enough, and I'd be able to escape reality and lose myself in dreams. 

The sun was streaming in through the windows and warming my skin. I sighed happily and stretched out like a cat, revelling in the warmth and how the aches from being pummeled into the ground were slowly disappearing. 

I'd just gotten back from a mission with Garnet, who'd disappeared into the temple as soon as we warped back. There had been barely any conversation during the mission, usually we'd poke around the area when we were done, searching for something for Steven or using it as an excuse to spend more time together. But lately it had been all business.  
No banter or teasing when we fought and no exploring together. Just finish the mission and get back.  
I groaned and let myself fall off the couch and onto the floor as I felt my good mood dissipate.  
Was she still upset with me over the fusion from a few a days ago?  
She still talked to me at least. And she wasn't giving me the cold shoulder exactly, just avoiding me...  
I sighed and hit my forehead against the wooden floor.  
"Y/N, don't do that. You'll crack the floors again." Pearl chided me gently. I sighed heavily and rolled over onto my back.  
"Y/N!"  
"Oof!"  
I grunted as Steven took a running jump and landed on my stomach.  
"Where did you go this time?" He grinned at me with starry eyes as he hopped up and down excitedly. I smiled fondly and lifted him onto the soles of my feet as I straightened my legs so he was higher up.  
"We went to one of the floating Isles, they hang suspended in the air, high above the ground. Whenever there's a storm it looks like the Isles are surrounded by a stormy sea. It's quite beautiful."  
"Did you bring me back anything?" He peeked at me over my toes with his innocent eyes. I rolled my eyes and summoned the little memento I'd picked up for him from my gem. "Of course, Steven."  
I lowered my legs to rest against my chest so that he was closer, Steven held the small blue tear shaped stone in his hands.

"What is it?" This was always his favourite part, finding out why we'd choose this particular token.  
"It's rain, Steven. When it's up really high it freezes. This particular drop landed on the Isle, and eventually more moisture joined it. So it got bigger and bigger. And also it looked a bit like Lapis Lazuli's gem, I know you miss her."  
His small arms wrapped around me feet as he grinned happily at me.  
"I love it!"  
"You say that every time." I laughed.  
"Yeah, but I love all of the things you guys bring back for me! But where's Garnet? You're usually together when you come back." "Garnet's in the temple."  
Almost as if on cue the temple door swooshed open and Steven whooped.

 

"Garnet! Thanks for the little gem!" She was surprised by Steven's thanks. Which made sense considering she'd made for the warp pad as soon as we'd finished the mission, while I had searched for Steven's token.

"Y/N, catapult me!" I chuckled and kicked my legs, launching Steven into the air and into Garnet's waiting arms. He immediately presented the stone and started to talk. She smiled fondly at him.  
"What did you guys do today?"  
I watched as she carried Steven to his bed and sat down with him in her lap. At least I didn't have to hide my disappointed frown as Garnet ignored me again.  
"We went to one of the old gem temples. The Isles. They're suspended-"  
"Y/N told me about them. She said they're high up in the sky."  
I could hear Garnet's amused chuckle at his interruption.  
"Well, on the Isles there were four temples. They used to be a place of peaceful contemplation and learning. Before Homeworld began to program gems we were sent to the temples to train and find our place in society. The temples were also used to house ancient artifacts, and I had the feeling that they were being misused."  
Pearl entered the house carrying bags of groceries and she quickly set about making dinner for Steven and whoever else felt like eating. I stood and went over to help, listening to Garnet and Steven as I cooked.  
"And were they being misused? Did you beat up the bad guys?" 

Pearl smiled fondly as she tuned into the conversation while chopping veggies.  
"There were no bad guys, Steven. When we got there we found only one of temples still intact. The rest were ruins, the artifacts inside of them were gone... at least that's what we thought." There was a gasp from Steven at that.  
I grinned and joined in. "We searched the Isles over and over for any sign of the gem artifacts. And still nothing. Until we entered the temple..." I trailed off, leaving Steven bouncing on the bed as he stared at me starry eyed.  
Garnet picked up the tale, "As soon as we set foot in temple there was a rumble and a giant crash as the doorway caved in behind us."  
"We were left in darkness. No way out. And there was something with us in there." Steven was under his blanket now, peering at us with wide and excited as Garnet and I told the story.  
"We stood back to back, the only light to see by coming from our gems as we summoned our weapons." Garnet said, getting into the story now.  
"Growls echoed through the pitch black temple, it was like the darkness itself was alive. And angry." I set the scene and twirled the large knife I was using.  
"And then it stopped suddenly. Silence settled and all we could hear was each other..." Garnet continued and I had to push away the distracting memory of her warm muscled body against mine before I could carry on. "And then Garnet swung her fist in a powerful uppercut. I could hear a terrible screech as she hit something. Suddenly we were both knocked to the floor. There were creatures all around us, on top of us. They growled and snarled. All I could see of them was their eyes. Icy blue orbs that glowed with a cold fire." Steven jumped as the screen door slammed in the wind.  
"My arms were pinned to the floor by icy beasts. I couldn't attack. I could hear a pained whine next to me as Y/N kicked the creatures off of her. Her swords flashed in the dark and the weight on my arms vanished as the creatures fled from her blades. She held them off while I stood."  
Amethyst wandered in as Garnet spoke, she was instantly drawn to the bed and joined Steven as she realised what was happening. "No matter how many of the creatures we destroyed there was always another. And we could feel that they weren't the only things lurking in the dark..." I said ominously as I looked at Garnet.  
"There was a deafening howl and the ground beneath us shook as the real danger revealed itself. The Temple was lit up by the glow of a massive creature, its gem was a beam of cobalt blue in the dark. It's blazing icy eyes stared down at us and sharp white teeth gleamed as it leapt..."  
I was back in the temple again, swords in hand as I watched with horror as the giant beast flew through the air...  
"And landed on me. It's hot breath burned as I struggled to fend off its snapping jaws. My skin froze where it's fur touched and a layer of ice coated my body." My eyes locked onto Garnet as I spoke. She stared straight at me, her hands tightening into fists as she took over.  
"I couldn't reach her. The smaller creatures grouped together to keep me away. I could see the beast had her pinned down, it's teeth were close. Too close to her." 

This wasn't a story for Steven anymore...

"It's claws were digging into my gem. And it's teeth scraped against my skin more and more often..." My hands shook at the memory of how close I'd been to having my gem cracked... or worse...  
"I tried fighting my way through,but there were too many. I tried jumping but I was just pulled down and overwhelmed. All the while I could hear her... you struggle."  
She... she was talking to me. "I couldn't see you, I could only see a red glow begin to light up the temple.."  
I could see Garnet was shaking ever so slightly, just as I was.  
"It was me... The creatures were of ice so I became their opposite. And I was finally able to reach you."  
I smiled, just for her.  
"And you punched that stupid creature right in the face. So hard that it retreated into its gem. And the other creatures disappeared." Just like you did once you made sure I was okay... I added silently.  
Garnet smirked at the memory and we were suddenly reminded that we weren't alone when Steven spoke up. 

"What about the gem artifacts?" I coughed awkwardly and went back to cooking, leaving Garnet to answer "It turned out that the creatures had eaten the gem artifacts... and that was the 'misuse' I sensed..." The tension that had built was dissolved by the laughter at that reveal. 

I smiled as Steven started retelling the story for Amethyst, adding lions and ninjas as he went.  
"It's been a while since you and Garnet last told stories like that." Pearl nudged me as we cooked and watched the three others on the bed.  
"It's been a while since she spoke more than five consecutive words to me too." I muttered grouchily. Pearl looked at me quizzically and I sighed. "Garnet has barely spoken to me since we... fused." I shuddered at the memory.  
"I've been wondering about that... After you two fused she was... horrified..."My hands stilled as I looked up at the permafusion entertaining Steven and Amethyst.  
Our fusion may not have been ideal but I hadn't tricked or misused her, had I... "She... why was she horrified... did I do something wrong?" I asked quietly.  
"I don't know. After you warped back she just kept on saying something about suffocating. How it wasn't supposed to be like that... I think... I think she nearly unfused." Pearl trailed off, worry lacing her tone. 

Guilt tugged at my insides at the thought of Garnet, strong and stable Garnet nearly coming apart because of our fusion... A fusion that went wrong because of me and my fear...  
My hands clenched into fists and my nails dug into my palms as I looked at Garnet and sighed.  
She deserved to know that it was my fault the fusion went wrong.  
The counter cracked beneath my hands as I felt memories I'd long since tucked away surge to the front of my mind. 

I was going to have to explain to Garnet, the embodiment of a perfect fusion, why I was absolutely terrified of fusing.


	3. It didn't take us a decade!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been ages I know, I'm sorry :(   
> So as way of an apology I'll be updating twice today!

"Do you think they'll ever get along?" Steven asked with faint annoyance and I shrugged.   
"I'm not sure, Steven. There's only so much that time and healing can do."   
"Well, maybe time is what made it worse. If they'd confronted each other before things got this bad maybe they'd both be happier..."   
Steven's words struck a chord with me as we watched Pearl and Greg argue from a distance.   
My gaze was drawn to Garnet who was watching the arguing pair with an inscrutable expression.   
"Maybe you're right, Steven..." I murmured and ruffled his hair as I stood and made my way over to Garnet.   
Before I could lose my courage I marched straight up to her and coughed to attract her attention.   
"Garnet can we talk?"She grunted and gave a curt nod before walking away from the others and seating herself on a convenient rock.   
Nervously I followed her and stood in front of her.   
She looked at me without emotion. 

"I don't want to end up like Greg and Pearl!" I spat out suddenly and she frowned.   
"What?"   
I rubbed my arm and mumbled sheepishly and she sighed.   
"Look, we can't talk if you make no sense or I can't hear you." She uncrossed her arms and I knew that was her way of saying she would listen to whatever I had to say.   
"Pearl and Greg's feud goes back to the first time they met, they could have solved their problems if they'd spoken about everything back then, but instead they let it continue and now they're left with memories and a bitterness and regrets that will never go away. Their fighting makes things awkward and upsetting for Steven and... I don't want us to be like that. Ever." I finished off strongly and managed to hold my composure under Garnet's steady gaze.   
"So what do you propose we do?"   
"Well... We talk. It doesn't have to be about... The fusion straight away... We can start small. I know this won't go away with time and the only way we can get through this is by talking to each other... so... what do you say?"   
I was smiling uncertainly as I waited for Garnet's reply. She was silent for a full minute as she watched me and I very quickly became a nervous fidgeting mess under her stare. 

I started when she sighed suddenly and took off her shades. "Sit, Y/N."   
"On the ground?"   
"Y/N..." She warned and I quickly sat down in front of her.   
"Right, I'm sitting."   
"I agree with you. We need to talk, for ourselves and the others."   
I smiled up happily at her and a light blush dusted her cheeks.   
"So what do we talk about?"   
I scratched the back of my head and averted my eyes as she asked that question. "I, um, don't really know actually..."   
She rolled her eyes but there was a hint of a smile at the corners of her lips.   
"At least it didn't take us more than a decade to talk to each other?" I offered and she chuckled and shook her head as we looked over at Pearl and Greg who were still bickering.

'It might take us more than a decade to repair our relationship though.' I thought silently to myself.


	4. Kindergarten confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long chapter to make up for the time it took and also the chapter just needed to be long for what happens in it.

"Where did we get all of these star shirts?"  
"Seriously, they're all the same size and everything. Did we just buy Steven's clothes in bulk every time he grew?"  
"Basically." Pearl answered me as we folded Steven's shirts.  
"Humans are so weird with their clothing and accessories." I remarked while folding another shirt to add to my pile.  
"Yeah, Steven should just stop wearing clothes." Amethyst agreed as she threw a shirt onto her pile and idly watched Pearl meticulously fold and organise shirts.  
Steven made an offended noise. "Excuse you but I'm a civi-li-fied part human. Clothes are a must!" He glanced at the mountain of shirts. "Although maybe I don't need this many..." His gaze shifted to Garnet as he tried to hide a smile. "Although this would go a lot faster if Ruby and Sapphire unfused!"  
I chuckled at his determination to once again meet the two gems who made up our leader. Garnet just smiled fondly at Steven.  
"I'm sure they'd love to see everyone but I'm not unfusing for laundry." Steven sighed dejectedly and I ruffled his hair comfortingly, internally cringing when the gesture drew Garnet's attention to me. Just the mention of fusion around the two of us made it tense. 

I cleared my throat and averted my gaze. " I'm assuming we're all here because you wanted to discuss something? Not just do laundry." I said in order to distance myself from the memory of our fusion.  
She nodded, but I still felt guilt churn in my stomach as she moved the conversation along.  
"Yes, Peridot. Her mission was something to do with the Kindergarten."  
I frowned at that. "They gave up on using Earth as a Kindergarten. I still remember that from when I was on Homeworld. They thought they were losing too many resources just trying to establish it." The other gems were surprised that I mentioned anything about my time on Homeworld during the war, none of them knew much about my role in the war or on our old planet. Steven looked at me in confusion. "You were on Homeworld during the war?" I nodded tightly in answer.  
"But there are other areas of the Kindergarten that she could be after. There could be technology she can harness to hurt humans too. We should check at least, just to make sure?"  
We all looked to Garnet as she stood up and cracked a smile.  
"We can't take the chance of Peridot getting her hands on weaponry. Let's go, Crystal Gems." 

Amethyst and I whooped and jumped to our feet as we raced each other to the warp pad, shoving each other off until Pearl separated us with an irritated groan."You two are terrible." I stuck out my tongue at her.  
Garnet joined us and we looked at Steven sitting by his clothes.  
"Steven." He looked up hopefully and I grinned at him.  
"You're a civilified part gem too." His face lit up as Garnet smiled at him.  
"Garnet, are you sure we should bring Steven? This might be dangerous." Pearl fretted and I rolled my eyes. "Don't worry, Pearl. He'll keep you safe if Peridot attacks." She growled and elbowed me in the side as I smiled cheekily at her.  
"You're incorrigible." Pearl muttered as the warp pad lit up and we entered the warp stream. 

"It doesn't look like anything's moved since we were last here." Garnet hummed in agreement.  
"We should check the whole area, just to be sure." Everyone nodded seriously and fanned out to search the Kindergarten while I stepped off the warp pad and jumped up and down in place.  
I frowned and wandered further away and stomped my foot down heavily on the ground. Humming quietly I carried on walking around and stomping or jumping up and down.  
"I'm not sure whether I should even question you at this point." Pearl said in a resigned tone as I struggled to remove my foot from a hole I'd stomped.  
"If this Kindergarten is based off of one of the designs I'm familiar with then there should be a..."  
"Peridot!" I frowned and looked up from my foot at Garnet's yell.  
"There she is!" I yanked my foot out of the hole with a grimace.  
"Yes, thank you for that brilliant observation." I deadpanned and Pearl ignored me as she summoned her weapon and chased after Peridot with the others.  
I ran forward to follow but yelped as my ankle gave out beneath me and I crashed against the rough ground. There was a sharp pang of pain in my gem as I struggled to my feet again. I wobbled slightly and saw sharp shards of rock embedded in my leg, making a face I shook my body vigorously to get rid of the pieces of rock.  
I cursed as I stumbled at the motion, another sharp pain went through my gem.  
"Y/N!" Steven pressed himself against my side to support me.  
"Thanks, bud. Where's Peridot?" He pointed upwards at a green triangle shape in the sky and I squinted at it, noting the yells of Amethyst and Pearl as they pursued her.  
"She can run up walls."  
"I can do that too." I said as I put weight on my injured ankle only for it to give out beneath me, leaving me wobbling precariously on one leg.  
"You end up falling on your face and hurting yourself. Like you did now." I squawked indignantly as I was scooped into Garnet's arms and she smirked smugly at me.  
"I didn't fall on my face this time, excuse you."  
She snorted in response and I glared at her. "You can't walk."  
I huffed and folded my arms awkwardly. "At least I still have my dignity."  
She outright laughed and I scowled sulkily at her.  
"You lost your dignity a long time ago, Y/N."  
"Yes, let's not discuss that incident with Steven around." I said as I felt myself blush while I glanced at Steven, who was staring resolutely at something in the distance while his cheeks grew pink.  
I cleared my throat. "Anyway. There's an underground chamber in this Kindergarten and the entrance should be somewhere here..." I pointed at the fallen injector. "Under there."  
"Is that why you were jumping around earlier?" Steven asked curiously and I looked down at him with a smile.  
"Yup. Most of the older Kindergarten blueprints included an underground chamber for maintenance, living quarters and storage. So it was likely this site would have one."  
"Those deduction skills though!" I snorted at the way he posed when he said that. "So what did you do on Homeworld ?"  
"I'll tell you another day, Steven. It's best not to talk of the past in this place." I looked away from him as Garnet shifted me to one arm while she lifted the injector and revealed a tunnel leading downwards.  
"You can put me down now, Garnet. Carry Steven down, I'll follow."  
She looked at me for a moment, assessing my condition and the slope we'd have to go down before gently setting me on my feet and picking up Steven. She jumped forward and disappeared into the pitch black tunnel. 

I took a deep breath and readied myself.  
"It's safe! You can come down now, Y/N." Steven's voice echoed up and I smiled at his consideration.  
"Geronimo..." I muttered nervously and jumped into the hole. 

My feet hit the unnaturally smooth rock as I slid unsteadily down the slope, sending a horrid gut wrenching spike of pain up my injured leg.  
I quickly lost my balance and went flying, hitting hard against the ground as I skidded down the slope.  
I came to a sudden stop as I hit the bottom with a pained groan.  
"Y/N!" I moaned pitifully and propped myself up on my elbows as Steven rushed to my side.  
"I'm okay. I'm okay..." I wheezed as he fretted.  
"Think you can try healing this?" Steven looked up at me apprehensively.  
"I don't know..." I rested my hand on top of his head.  
"I believe in you." He nodded nervously and licked his hand and pressed it to my ankle.  
I shivered at the action and the pins and needles feeling spreading up my leg as the open cuts slowly closed and the nauseating ache faded a little.  
"I did it!" Steven half yelled excitedly and I smiled weakly.  
"Sometimes the only person in our way is ourselves. Thank you, Steven." "No prob, Bob!" I rolled my eyes and limped to the eerily still control room.  
"Something is wrong." I whispered quietly to Garnet and summoned my weapons as we looked for signs of activity.  
"Those cylinders... They weren't there before." I glanced up to where Steven pointed and frowned thoughtfully.  
"Those are basically incubation cylinders... But what's inside-"  
Steven's panicked scream broke my train of thought and I spun around to search for danger, swords poised. 

"What is that..." I made an expression of disgust as Steven jumped to avoid a disfigured hand and... foot?  
I poked it cautiously with the point of my sword and it jumped at my face in response, Garnet caught it easily and crushed it in her gauntlet. I frowned as she opened her hand to reveal two sharp gem shards stuck clumsily together. "Are those... Two gem shards stuck together?" Steven asked hesitantly and Garnet grunted in disgust and threw the shards away from her.  
I snatched the shards out of the air and bubbled them as I realised what they were.

"Garnet we should go." I warned as I worried about what else we would find here.  
There were more of the fusion experiments crawling towards us, they sent a series of shivers through my body as I remembered what it was like to be that way.  
To be forced into something so very wrong and so twisted for so long that you forgot who you were. 

"Garnet? Y/N?" Steven's concerned voice and a loud cracking of rock snapped me back to the present.  
I tightened my grip on my swords and pulled Steven to me just as one of the pillars exploded. 

There was a terrible sound.  
Agonised screams, different voices full of pain overlapped as the creature that emerged glowed with a harsh light.  
In the centre of the writhing mass was a jagged collection of gem shards, all different and all struggling to separate from each other. 

Instinctively I brought up my swords to defend myself and Steven against the smaller gem clusters.  
"What's wrong with Garnet?!" He asked as he deflected clusters with his shield.  
I looked over at Garnet, expecting her to be battling the hand cluster but instead she stood completely still as it wrapped itself around her.  
"Garnet!" Steven yelled and I winced as one of the smaller clusters gripped my still tender ankle and started to clamp down on it.  
"Y/N, what do we do?! Garnet's not doing anything!"  
I sliced the hand clamped down on my leg and it poofed, leaving another cluster to fall to the floor. I touched it briefly to bubble it and sent it to the temple. 

I twirled and swung my blades, creating a strong whirlwind that cleared a space around Steven and I, giving us time and space to gather our wits.  
"Form your bubble and stay in it, I'm going to help Garnet."  
He nodded and brought his hands up as he formed his bubble. 

Garnet was just barely holding out against the horrific hand cluster.  
Her shades had been knocked off of her face, leaving her normally obscured eyes bare.  
She was horrified, terrified, she was... she was coming apart...  
I threw one of my swords and it pierced the creatures multicoloured side, distracting it momentarily from Garnet. 

I wrapped an arm around Garnet's waist and pulled her out of its grip. She was shaking uncontrollably against me and tears streamed down her cheeks. 

"These were crystal gems, shattered into pieces and buried together..." 

I stood in front of her and braced myself as the hand cluster charged at me, it had no purpose, no identity. Just excruciating pain and uncontrollable rage.  
My ankle was throbbing as I held the hand cluster back from my companions, it used its greater height to rear over me and try to force me to the ground.

"This is wrong... This isn't fusion. This isn't how it's supposed to be..." 

I felt my heart clench as I heard Garnet's words, our own fusion must be going through her mind...  
Shaking away those thoughts for now I positioned the tip of my sword just underneath the cluster's gem and drove the blade into it.  
"I'm sorry..." I whispered hoarsely as it screamed with its many voices. 

A cloud of colours enveloped me as the cluster poofed.  
I caught the jagged cluster of gems and gently cupped it in my hands as I knelt on the ground as my ankle gave out.  
"I know none of you chose this... I know that you're terrified and angry and in pain but it's okay now... we'll find a way to separate you. But for now you can be at peace..."  
I murmured quietly and bubbled the cluster and with a flick of my wrist sent it to the temple. 

"So this is what Homeworld thinks of fusion!"  
I flinched at Garnet's vicious tone as I hunched in on myself.  
"We couldn't have known they would do this..." They still weren't Garnet. Not just yet.  
"This is where they've been, all the ones we couldn't find. They've been here the whole time!"  
I wrapped my arms around myself, as if that would keep her words from hitting home. "Rose couldn't have known." I recognised Sapphire's smoother voice.  
"This is punishment for the rebellion!" 

"No it's not."  
"What?" Still Ruby's angry tones speaking.  
"These... experiments aren't punishment for the rebellion." I said slightly louder.  
"These were crystal gems! Former comrades that fought for us! For this planet and Homeworld did... This to them! And you're telling me this isn't punishment?!"  
"Forget about it." I muttered and held myself tighter.  
"No! Tell me why it isn't, Y/N!" My nails dug into my skin as I tensed.  
"You don't wanna know, Garnet." She grabbed my shoulder roughly and turned me around to face her. "Tell me!"  
I snarled as she pulled me harshly to my feet.  
"Homeworld experimented on their own gems! They started experimenting during the war, sure but they started with Homeworld warriors!"  
Her hands kept me in place by holding tightly onto my arms and I could feel her gems burning both hot and cold.  
"What type of experiments did they do?"  
She was scaring me now, the dark gleam in her mismatched eyes and the way she growled as she spoke.  
"Corruption experiments, gem limitations... and fusion experiments."  
"Were you part of these 'experiments'?" She gestured at the remaining cluster experiments with a sneer. "Is this why you you shiver every time you hear the word! I don't know what Rose was thinking, bringing in a Homeworld warrior to her inner circle!"  
She abruptly dropped me to the ground and I groaned as I landed painfully.  
I looked up at her, hoping to see that she was herself again. But she was glaring down at me with cold and furious eyes.  
"You can't even summon the respect needed for these broken gems! All you can do is sit there and pretend you're above this. That you're not the cause of their suffering!" 

My lip curled up to reveal sharp teeth as I snarled angrily at her.  
"I wasn't the one doing the experiments, I was the test subject! I was one of the first used for the fusion experiments! And yeah I thought it was an honor to serve my world in a way not many would. I thought it was an honor to fuse with one of the best warriors Homeworld had! I thought it was an honor to be sent to fight and be able to take out entire regiments with our fusion! I thought it was an honor to do all of those things!"  
I stared down at the ground as I wrapped my arms around my sides and hunched over as I struggled against repressed memories. 

"I thought it was an honor until my fusion with the other warrior became too unstable. After gaining Homeworld an edge over the Rebels we split voluntarily. She was an Onyx... Together we made Hematite. And to Homeworld Hematite was more important than an Onyx and Y/N. They just forced us to fuse again... and every time we unfused they forced us back together... We were too great a weapon to lose... I was a fusion for centuries. I was one half of a violent, angry, twisted, self loathing fusion for such a long time that I forgot who I used to be." 

I stood on shaking legs and drew myself up to my full height to face Garnet. She stared at me with wide and horrified eyes.

"I don't think fusion is disgusting or dirty or cheap or low. And I didn't shatter any gems and put them together like these clusters! I'm probably the only vaguely sane gem who knows what it's like for them, who knows what it's like to be trapped and broken with no way out. So don't you dare say I have no respect for fusion or these shattered crystal gems. And don't you dare presume to think that you know what it was like for me on on Homeworld or during the war, because you don't." 

There was total silence in the cavern, the weight of my confession still hung heavily over the room and I doubted that it would ever go away. 

"Um... my bubble isn't soundproof..." Steven announced awkwardly and I sighed wearily as I limped painfully over to him as he dropped his bubble and waited for me to come to him.  
"You okay?" He nodded nervously and looked up at me with concern.  
"Are... are you okay?"  
His hand slipped into mine as we slowly made our way to the tunnel leading out.  
"Let's just go home, Steven..." I mumbled as I felt a bone deep exhaustion settle in. I ignored Garnet as she caught up to us and we made our way back to the surface.  
I ignored her as she offered a hand to help me up the slope and took Steven's instead.  
I ignored her when we rejoined Pearl and Amethyst and all trekked back to the warp pad, Steven kept up a steady stream of chatter as he continued to hold my hand, he felt like my only anchor to reality and I held on tight. 

"Soooo... did you guys find anything interesting?" Pearl asked curiously at my side.  
"We found out I can heal again!" Steven announced excitedly.  
"We found out what Peridot was doing in the Kindergarten." Garnet said stoically.  
"We have laundry to do when we get home." I added flatly. Steven squeezed my hand comfortingly as we warped home, leaving the Kindergarten completely silent and still.  
The only thing that remained was the secrets revealed and the thoughts left unspoken.  
And they were louder than any words. 

I warped to the one of the temple fusion's hands with Steven, he hadn't left my side since we got back from the Kindergarten and if I was being honest... It was a great source of comfort to have the bubbly boy keeping me from brooding too much. 

"So I think you should try sketching out what you're feeling! Connie says writing works better for her but the idea's the same."  
I smiled fondly at Steven as we floated weightlessly in the warp stream.  
"I'll try it out sometime." I said with a shrug and he beamed as I stumbled when we arrived at our makeshift laundry room.  
"How's your ankle? Do you want me to heal it again? Oh, hey Garnet!"  
I tensed as he greeted the permafusion and went over to the washing machine to check on Steven's clothes.  
"Still damp." She murmured and I grunted in response. 

Steven stood between the two of us, a worried frown on his face.  
"Steven, can I talk to Y/N alone for a moment?"  
Steven looked to me questioningly and I smiled weakly. "It's fine, Steven. I'll bring the washing in too." He nodded and gave me a brief and encouraging hug before hopping onto the warp pad and disappearing in a beam of light. 

The only sound was the whistling wind and the soft rumble of the washing machine.  
"I wish Steven hadn't seen us like that..." I murmured as I sat cross legged and leaned against the curve of the fingers.  
"I wish Steven hadn't seen any of the things there." Garnet replied with a slight hint of anger in her voice and I inched further away from her. 

We fell back into a tense silence. 

"About... what Homeworld did to you... I never knew, I never would have thought-"  
"I know." I said, subdued.  
"Why did Homeworld do... Those things..."  
"They were losing the war, they needed an advantage and they weren't above cross fusion if it meant they could win."  
I let my head fall back against the smooth stone fingers as I stared up at the calming blue sky.  
"You were fused for... A long time?"  
"An eternity." 

The tumble dryer beeped to signal the end of its cycle and I stood stiffly and pulled out the clothes to fold them neatly and put them in the basket.  
I could feel Garnet staring at me intensely from behind her shades as I shut the tumble dryer door and got to my feet with a clenched jaw as my ankle ached.  
A cool breeze blew, bringing with it the salty scent of the ocean and ruffling the folded clothes in the basket.  
"About what happened at the Kindergarten..." Garnet breached the subject hesitantly and I stiffened and avoided her gaze.  
"Just please let it go for now... I can't deal with another... argument right now." I limped to the warp pad with my head hanging as I skirted around Garnet.  
She grabbed my arm and held me back.  
"No, I..." She let go of my arm and went back to folding her arms over her chest. "I wanted to... say sorry. I was angry over finding out about the experiments and I lashed out at you. I shouldn't have said those things, I shouldn't have hurt you..."  
I couldn't find the strength to lift my head and meet her gaze so instead I shrugged and kept my eyes on the laundry.  
"You were angry and it was personal to you. I understand."  
"I should have handled it better. I shouldn't have lost control like that, especially in front of Steven..." 

I glanced briefly at her and sighed as I set the washing down and went to sit on top of the washing machine so I didn't have to put weight on my injured ankle.  
"You know what I hate about Kindergartens?" Garnet looked at me with a confused expression but replied anyway.  
"What?"  
"It's not the fact that they kill the planet or anything like that. I hate Kindergartens because of what they symbolise, I hate how every time I see one it makes me feel like despite everything, despite every effort we made in the war, Homeworld still won."  
"Why are you bringing this up?" I looked directly at Garnet with a wistful smile.  
"Everything Homeworld has done has left a mark. A scar that never goes away and barely fades. I don't want Homeworld to ruin us like they do everything. I know that our... fusion has left a mark on you as it did with me. And I know that what you discovered at the Kindergarten can't be forgotten and it shouldn't. But just this once... I don't want Homeworld to win... I don't want them to ruin... us. So can we just... try and talk?" 

The wind picked up suddenly and one of the socks from the top of the washing pile was carried over our heads and I leaned back to catch it, losing my balance and starting to fall over the edge of the hand as I caught it.  
I would have fallen if not for the warm and steadying hands on my waist keeping me from going over. Slowly I was pulled back and set down on top of the washing machine again.  
Garnet's hands were gentle and reassuring and I suddenly felt safe despite how her hands had been the exact opposite earlier today. 

She drew away and gave me my space but she was smiling tentatively as I held up the runaway sock with a shy smile.  
Garnet took it from me and carefully put it back into the washing basket with the other socks.  
"We shouldn't let one be alone." She said with a pointed tone and I started to feel like maybe, just this once, Homeworld wouldn't destroy what I loved. 

"Yeah, no one should ever be alone. Put it next to the pink and blue socks, Garnet. They're it's favourites."  
"It's a sock, Y/N."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a big step forward in this story! Things will start happening now and there'll be more Garnet interaction.


	5. Regret and ruin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garnet knows the whole story now right?   
> So everything should be fine, it should go back to the way it was...   
> but it doesn't..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the huge delay!   
> Things have been rough at home and I started exams so spare time has been rare. And I always need lots of time to work on these chapters.   
> But enjoy!

"Do you have any.... sixes?"   
"Go fish."   
"Do you have any nines?"   
"Dammit Garnet, I swear you're using future vision."   
She smirked and adjusted her shades as I handed over my nines and she made a neat pile of them.   
"You didn't say I couldn't at the beginning of the game." I glared at her.   
"You sneaky cheater! This is like Cluedo all over again!"   
She just laughed and pulled the small bowl of chips to her when it was clear she'd won the game, with a smug grin she popped one in her mouth while I muttered and shuffled the cards as I struggled to come up with a card game I might win at.   
"I'll win at them all. Except one."I stared at her with suspicious eyes.   
"What game?"   
Garnet shrugged and popped another chip into her mouth. "I'm not telling~!"   
My expression turned sour at her singsong reply.   
"Watching Crying Breakfast Friends might be better than dealing with a smug you." I muttered even as I dealt us each a hand for poker.   
Garnet's lips curved into a sensuous smile and I felt myself freeze as she leaned over the table we were playing on and I could see myself looking flustered and very distracted in the reflection of her shades.   
"I don't see that happening in any future." Her voice was low and husky, sending a spike of heat to the pit of my stomach and I could see myself blush brightly in her shades.   
"Pass me those chips, before I eat something else."   
Garnet snorted and pushed the chips between us as we started our game of poker.   
"But what are you going to do when the chips are finished?" She asked as she played a full house and I dealt another hand.  
"Well, when the chips are done I guess I'll just have to find something else to occupy my mouth." I replied in an airy tone.   
Garnet leaned forward and pulled her shades down the bridge of her nose, letting her peer over the top of her shades at me.   
"I can think of a few things." I met her intense gaze and raised an eyebrow as I opened my mouth to give a reply.   
"The TV isn't working!" 

I laughed as Garnet grumbled and pushed her shades back up. "Pearl fixes the TV, Steven! That was the agreement!" I yelled up to Steven who was waving at us from the front porch.   
He peered at us over the railing.  
"I know, but Peridot is on the TV."   
We stared up at him with confusion.   
"She's broadcasting on all frequencies to try and get a message back to Homeworld."   
Garnet and I exchanged glances and nodded.   
"There's only one place on Earth that she can be using to broadcast her signal." She said as we jumped onto the porch and went inside to join the others.   
"The Communication Hub, but how are we gonna get there?"   
"Lion to the rescue!" Steven presented the sleeping pink beast with a flourish.   
"Um... I have doubts about this mode of travel but we don't have a better option. So... let's go?"   
And then Steven began the lengthy process of waking Lion and bribing him with Lion Lickers. 

Travelling in a magical lion's mane turned out to be more fun than I thought.   
Although I did feel bad when he collapsed into an exhausted heap beneath the combined weight of the five of us.  
I stroked the top of his forehead and he purred contentedly as I gave him one last pat and then went to rejoin the others at the foot of the Communication Tower. 

"I bet I can destroy it faster than you." I challenged Amethyst as she leaned against my legs.   
She scoffed. "Pffft, I'd totally kick your ass."  
"No, you are not having another smashing competition." Pearl shut us down before we could even begin and Amethyst and I sighed and shared an exasperated sigh. 

"So how are we gonna disable the tower?"   
"You guys could form Sugilite again!" Steven butted in excitedly and I stiffened through reflex.   
"Well... only if Garnet wants to..." I glanced down at Amethyst and felt my heart clench as I realised again how little she thought of herself.   
"No. Sugilite is the reason we can't warp here anymore."  
Amethyst's excitement dissipated and I stood close to her to provide silent comfort.   
One of my hands tangled in her wild hair as I played with her hair while Garnet spoke to her. 

"What we need is precision."  
"Pearl, it's you and me. Let's fuse."   
I watched Garnet carefully.   
There was something off about her.   
It seemed as if... she was hesitant.  
And as we settled off to the side while Garnet and Pearl started to dance it became more obvious to me. 

Garnet was holding back... 

Her movements lacked their usual enthusiasm and vibrancy that made her so alluring when she danced.   
I noticed her hands were clenched into fists more often than not, was she hiding shakes or her gems?   
I couldn't see the light that our gems usually emanated when we fused.   
Were hers even glowing?   
I became more and more tense and apprehensive as the dance went on. Something was wrong... Very wrong. 

It happened just before they were supposed to fuse.   
Garnet threw Pearl into the air, she twirled gracefully as she fell back to earth and Garnet's open and shaking arms?   
The two collided and there was a blinding white light.   
Three gems were visible as Sardonyx started to form. Red, blue and white. The light suddenly intensified and we were forced to look away. 

When the light dimmed and we looked back we didn't know what to say.   
Instead of bold and flamboyant Sardonyx there was only Garnet and Pearl.   
Pearl stared dumbly at Garnet as the taller gem held her in a dip.   
Garnet was shaking and even from afar I could see her rich ebony skin was clammy and pale.   
There was dead silence as Amethyst, Steven and I watched the other two with baited breath. 

"Garnet...?" Pearl questioned with painful uncertainty.  
I could hear Garnet's laboured breaths as she clumsily pulled Pearl upright and set her on her feet.   
I stood and slowly approached the pair. Garnet's strong and sturdy body was wracked with shakes and shudders that nearly crippled her.   
Pearl was frozen as Garnet hunched over as she leaned on her and held her slim arms in a vice grip.   
"Garnet." I said softly and placed a gentle hand on her trembling arm.   
She jumped under my touch and let go of Pearl with a strained apology. I nodded at Pearl for her to go and then turned my attention to Garnet.   
I waited patiently for her to gather herself as she clenched my forearms tightly.   
"Garnet...?"   
Her shades flashed in the sunlight and for an instant I saw her eyes, wide and stricken, and then she shook her head and I lost eye contact.   
"I... I can't..." Her quiet words filled my with icy dread.   
If Garnet couldn't fuse then what would that mean for the team? For us? For Ruby and Sapphire? 

My own hands tightened around Garnet's tensed arms as I thought over the possible ramifications before snapping out of it.   
I could overthink everything later, for now I had to deal with the situation at hand.   
"Amethyst, Pearl are you okay with fusing?"   
I saw the two nod hesitantly at each other and turned back to Garnet, half watching them form Opal and start to take the tower down. 

"Take a moment, just breathe." I murmured soothingly as I gently squeezed her bicep, her vice grip on my own arms loosened as she timed her breaths to mine.   
"Now... what's wrong?" She simply shook her head and slowly straightened up, her chest heaved as she took in a great shuddering breath.   
And walked away from me. 

 

The house was quiet. Amethyst and Pearl were in the temple still feeling the closeness of fusion even after they'd separated. Garnet was who knows where, she always was a wild card when she was upset. I sighed as I thought over how she had simply ignored me for the rest of the mission, there had been a hostility to the way her shoulders had tensed and her mouth hardened whenever she looked at me. 

"Y/N?" Steven's sleepy voice called from his bed and I was pulled from my brooding as I couldn't help but smile and go sit next to him on his bed.   
He hummed happily and wrapped his arms around my middle as he rested his head on my chest. I started to play with his hair automatically.   
"What are you still doing up?" I asked with a slight reprimanding tone. He sighed and buried his face in my chest.   
"Steven?"   
He held me even tighter and I frowned and drew him onto my lap to hold him closer.   
"I just... I don't want any of you to feel bad and you went through so much for so long and I can't help. I can't help you like my mom did!"   
I froze as he choked out those words and pressed himself tightly against me.   
"Steven... I..."   
"I'm sorry she's gone..."   
"Steven I love you. I love you in a way I could never love anything else, you're my... you're mine, Steven. You're ours and we need you. Not because you're Rose's son but because you're you." He sniffled and looked up at me with unsure eyes. "You make me laugh and smile even when I don't want to, my memories of you are what I think of when I need to be happy. You're so important and so unique and I need you Steven..."  
I stared down at him fondly and he smiled hesitantly.   
"You really don't want my mom instead of me?"   
My heart twisted at his soft question, this had been on his mind for so long...   
I pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. "I'll always miss Rose, but I'll always love you. I'll always choose you."   
"Even over Garnet?" He asked teasingly as we held each other close and I rolled my eyes.   
"Even over Garnet, just don't tell her I said that."   
He giggled and relaxed in my lap.   
"Is she okay?"   
"... I don't know. She hasn't spoken to me since the mission."   
Steven patted my shoulder and smiled at me reassuringly as he climbed back under his duvet. "She left about an hour ago on Lion, he came back without her... you should go after her..."   
He gave me one last hug before nudging me off the bed.   
I chuckled and leaned down to kiss him on the nose, he giggled and I smiled.   
"Goodnight Steven. We'll talk in the morning." 

He smiled and closed his tired eyes, easily slipping into slumber.   
I gave him one last look before walking over to the sleeping pink lion stretched out on our couch.   
"Lion." He lazily opened an eye to look at me. "Will you take me to the communication tower? To Garnet."   
He blinked slowly, as if to consider and then yawned and let himself slide off of the couch and onto his feet. He stared at me with glowing white eyes and the message was clear.   
I climbed onto his broad back and tangled my fingers in his thick mane.   
"We have to go outside or we'll wake Steven."   
I swear the cat rolled his eyes before dashing out the door and letting loose an ear splitting roar and leaping through the portal that materialised. 

The desert was enveloped by the comforting shroud of night, the stars were bright pricks of light in the unfathomably midnight blue sky. And it would have been completely silent if not for the low whisper of the wind and the rhythmic pounding sound that echoed across the landscape.   
Lion curled up where he was and I started to walk towards the source of the sound. I climbed over one of the massive columns that had been part of the tower and let myself drop onto the ground on the other side.   
And just a few yards away, at the crumbling remains of the tower's base I found the source of the noise.   
Garnet was pulverising the stone to dust with her gauntlets, sweat dripped off of her and she had phased off her shoulder pads and top, leaving her in a white tank top and her usual pants.   
She was grunting with the effort as she swung her fists without control or restraint. 

The debris around us gleamed like broken glass in the starlight and I suddenly felt the ugly sharp memories and feelings claw their way up my throat and threaten to come tumbling out.  
I had always thought my past would only do this to me. I never wanted it to ruin someone else...


	6. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You start to tell the whole story... can Garnet handle it? Can your relationship handle it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been a while... but my life is finally gaining some semblance of vague order and I'm writing regularly now. Sorry for the long wait though

It was time for it all to end. Everything needed to be out in the open. I couldn't watch Garnet be haunted by my own memories, it just wasn't fair or right. I took a deep breath and clenched my shaking hands into fists. The rhythmic pounding of Garnet's gauntlets against the stone mimicked the thumping of my heart.   
"Garnet." My voice was lost amidst the sharp cracks of stone. "Garnet!" She stopped suddenly, her broad back was shaking as she tensed her muscles and slowly turned around. Her eyes were brilliant burning beacons in the night only lit by the moon and stars. They narrowed into angry slits as she stalked towards me while I held my ground.   
"You." She spat the word like poison. "You're the cause of all of this! It's all your fault!" I easily dodged the wild punch she threw at my head as she drew nearer. "Ever since I fused with you everything has just gotten worse. Honeworld ruined everything it touched, Homeworld gems brought destruction and hate!" Her next punch clipped my jaw and I felt my head spin. "And you are nothing but another mistake made by Homeworld, corrupting and killing what is good." I sidestepped another blow but she easily changed the direction of her fist and it collided against my shoulder with a echoing crack. I grunted and elbowed her in the sternum so that she reflexively drew in a breath and stepped back.   
"Garnet, please." I tried to reason with her but the grim set of her jaw and her heaving chest told me it would be impossible. I took up a defensive stance and waited for the lightning fast response I knew was coming. Garnet lunged forward and lashed out with a powerful right hook but her anger made her sloppy and I leaned to the side to dodge and grabbed her outstretched arm to pull her into a restraining embrace. She growled and headbutted me but I stubbornly held onto her even as a sudden spike of pain lanced through my skull.   
"Garnet listen." I hissed through clenched teeth as she fought against me."I'm not a Homeworld gem anymore, I chose the Earth, I chose Rose. I chose you..." Garnet stilled in my arms, tremors wracked her body. "I shattered so many gems, both Homeworld and Crystal gems before Rose found me. By that point I had lost whatever individuality I had before and was just... Hematite. Rose managed to hurt us enough so that we dissipated our form and retreated into our separate gems. The Onyx..." I swallowed and took a moment to breathe through the emotions close to overwhelming me. "Onyx couldn't take anymore and she... decided to let go. She was so brave and brilliant, she was a warrior but she was the gentlest and most understanding gem I knew. Yet she was the one who became corrupted. I still can't help but think that she should be the one who survived... But Rose spared me and offered me a chance to fix myself and what I did by joining the Crystal Gems. I could barely hear the word 'fusion' without having a panic attack or shutting down completely, all of the fusion I'd seen or experienced had been for the sole purpose of destruction and war and only ended with gems getting hurt..." Garnet growled and twisted around to face me as her hands clamped down on my forearms.   
"That's not what fusion really is." My arms rested atop hers and I squeezed her biceps to calm her.  
"I only realised that when I first met you, with your candy floss hair and constant wonderous expression. You were different, an anomaly. You are a fusion of mutual respect and... love. I only started to get better after I met you and saw that fusion meant more than being a prisoner or a war machine. Garnet... I... you saved me and I... Garnet? Garnet!" My voice wavered as she began to shake against me, blinding white light lit the night and I closed my eyes and turned away even as the image of Garnet's glowing form was seared into my brain. 

When I opened my eyes and returned my burning gaze back to Garnet I found that she was not there... Instead I found my arms occupied by two much smaller gems, no less emotional than their fusion...


	7. Steven's solution

It hurts; feelings of anger, anxiety and fear coil in the pit of their stomachs like barbed wire. Ripping and shredding them from the inside. Their emotions are still so intertwined even when they're unfused that they don't even try to separate them. Their thoughts and actions however are entirely their own. 

Ruby paces the entire length of their room in the temple, her fists clenched and footsteps leaving a smouldering set of prints as she walks. She alternates between muttering darkly to herself and yelling half incoherently. She's furious, she feels betrayed and at a loss. But most of all she feels disappointed. Not in you but in herself, in Garnet. She can't help but feel she let you and Sapphire down, she doesn't want to admit it. 

Sapphire sits silently, she looks perfectly calm if one doesn't notice her chest rising and falling far too rapidly as she draws in ragged breaths and the painfully clasped hands that shake ever so slightly as they rest in her lap. Her beautiful white hair obscures most of her face so her single eye squeezed shut as if to stop tears, cannot be seen. Sapphire recounts every last detail of the time since the fusion with you, obsessively she tries to find where it all went so wrong. She internally cringes as she thinks over all the harsh words they had said to you as Garnet, shame washes over her as she remembers the flinches you tried to hide every time Garnet raised a hand. They had lost the once easy understanding and casual touches they had shared with you. And the long standing flirtation and secret hope for more felt out of reach now.   
Sapphire turned her gaze to her frantic partner and felt a sharp tug in her heart. Ruby had been so excited for their first fusion with you, they had both agreed to reveal their true feelings for you in the fusion...   
But it had all gone so wrong and now everything was falling apart... 

However terrifying Garnet was capable of being, Ruby and Sapphire were far more so. It was ridiculous that I, a seasoned warrior who had experienced the countless horrors of war was scared of the two tiny gems. So scared that I couldn't even be in my temple room while they were in the temple too. Instead I was sitting outside on the porch railing listening to the comforting crash of the waves against the sand and trying to let it wash away my racing thoughts.   
But nothing can make me forget the way Ruby's dark eyes burned like coals as she glared at me while even through Sapphire's gloves I felt the biting cold emanating from her small hands. I groaned, rubbing my face tiredly as I recalled their fury after they unfused. Most of what they said had been angry words that had not been thought through or considered, at least I hoped they hadn't... 

'Fusing with you was a mistake!' 

I winced as that particular phrase was a constant harsh yell in my mind, I couldn't even recall who had said it but the words had been going through all of our heads. And now they had been said. I groaned again and rubbed my temples as if to chase away the words racing cirles in my head.   
I was so tired of this, so tired of being afraid and regretful and haunted. I was tired of seeing Garnet and not being able to act on the strange impulse to kiss her or hug her for longer than I should. I was tired of not being able to fuse with Garnet in the way that felt like we weren't separate but simply just... was. Someone who was the best parts of ourselves. I sighed moodily and stared out at the darkened ocean.   
I wanted to be able to love Garnet completely and utterly, and I wanted her to love me back. 

The idea comes from Steven, after nearly a week of Sapphire and Ruby being unfused and throwing the entire household even more off balance.   
"Uh, Ruby could you maybe not stand so close. It's getting a little warm." Steven asked the red gem jokingly but with an uncomfortable note to his voice. I glanced over at him and frowned at the red marks appearing on his skin where he stood near Ruby. She immediately stepped away from him.   
"I'm sorry! Can I get you something to help, what can I do?!" Her stuttering voice was panicked and I put down my book and went to over to join them at the fridge to pull out an icepack from the freezer overhead and handed it to Steven along with the yoghurt he'd been looking for in the fridge.   
I felt my own body heat spike suddenly in response to Ruby's close proximity and felt her own constant warmth increase to a burning heat.   
"Thanks Y/N." Steven sighed gratefully as he pressed the icepack to his reddened cheek and slurped his yoghurt happily as he looked between the two of us. It became a lot hotter in the house as Ruby and I awkwardly avoided each other's gaze. She was no longer as angry with me or in general anymore. It was just... strange to see her again.   
"Where's Sapphire?" I asked lamely after failing to come up with anything better.   
Ruby shuffled her feet as her cheeks darkened and she glanced briefly at me.   
"Amethyst betted Sapphy that she couldn't predict what she'd do for an entire day." She answered in a fond and confident voice that only came when she spoke of her partner and I chuckled at the mental picture of that.   
"And of course she took that bet." I said in amusement and Ruby confirmed it with a smile. "Why didn't you go with her ?" Ruby blushed at that.   
"Uh, I wanted to spend time with... Pearl!" She stammered. "And I think I'll go do that right now." I watched the flustered gem basically flee into the temple, Steven and I staring after her with quizzical expressions.   
"You know... not that I don't like spending time with Sapphire and Ruby but... I miss Garnet." He confessed after the temple door shut behind her and we were left alone. I sighed as we both collapsed on his bed and stared up at the wooden beams.   
"I miss her too." I replied quietly. There was a comfortable silence between us for a while before I asked the question that had been bothering me for years. "What's it like?"   
"Huh?"   
I fidgeted with my hands for a moment. "When you fused with Connie... what was it like?"   
"Oh. Well whenever I fuse with Connie I feel... different. Good different. You become part of someone greater and stronger but that's not the best part. You're... completely and utterly in synch with someone you love and it's like when you fuse with them you create a whole new world along with a new person. Sometimes I wish I could be fused with Connie all the time..." Steven says softly and I glanced at him but his dark eyes were distant until I gently layed my hand over his and he flicked his gaze over to me with a smile. "Did you... did you ever fuse with someone like that?" He asked me hesitantly and I sighed tiredly.   
"No, not really. Whenever I fused with Onyx in the beginning it was almost like that, or at least it felt good and not damaging. But I never fused with anyone like you fuse with Connie or the way Sapphire and Ruby do." I answered, strangely proud of the way my voice didn't tremble when I said Onyx's name. It gave me hope that one day I might just be able to get completely better.  
"Would you want to fuse like that?" His small hand squeezed mine reassuringly as I turned to look at him in surprise.   
"I... I do, but not when the person I fuse with would have to suffer because of me and my problems." Steven smiled brightly.   
"That is exactly why you could be part of a great fusion, you care." I snorted in response. "No really! Fusion is all about trust and love and consent. And you're pretty good with those things already. You've just gotta learn a new side to fusion and the only way to do that is by fusing." The boy was growing more excited with each word while I grew more apprehensive. Yet, there was a shred of hope from what he was saying.   
"You're not possibly suggesting what I think you're suggesting..." I half groaned as he sat up suddenly with a brilliant grin on his face.   
"We're going to teach you how to fuse!" I hid my face in my hands and groaned as he announced that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter five times, because I got a new phone and lost all my stories and then the other four times was because I didn't like the way it came out..   
> But the next chapter is also done and just needs to be edited 


	8. Giant woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amethyst, Pearl and Steven try to help you get comfortable with the idea of fusing

"This is a terrible idea."   
"It is but if it can help you then it is worthwhile." Pearl responded to my grouching with an encouraging smile and I felt my frayed nerves settle slightly as she linked her arm with mine as we walked across the strawberry fields surrounding Rose's Fountain to a large clearing half hidden by thorny vines.  
"Are you sure you want to do this? You've seen how it effected Garnet. I'm toxic, Pearl." I can't help but begin to grow anxious over the whole idea, wringing my hands nervously and digging my nails into my palms until Pearl stops walking and covers my hands with her own delicate ones to stop the action. I stare at her earnest turquoise eyes feeling vulnerable and weak.   
"You're strong and brave and beautiful and you've always been gentle and kind. You helped me realize that who I was on Homeworld is not who I really am, that I can be whoever I want to be, I can be better... I can be happy." She smiled one of her rare loving smiles that are usually reserved for Steven. "And you are not toxic." She says with a strong sense of finality and we start walking again, this time her arm is locked tight with mine and she clutched my bicep in a protective manner. It made me smile.   
When we reach the clearing we saw Steven and Amethyst already there, there was a half eaten box of donuts between them when they suddenly realized we were there and they turned to speak to us. Steven had a guilty smile as icing was smudged on the side of his mouth while Amethyst lazily shoves another donut in her mouth and flicks her hand in greeting.   
"Sup." She mumbles with a full mouth and Pearl makes a groaning sound as I feel her shudder.   
"Amethyst, don't talk while you're eating." She lectured the smaller gem and I shake my head with a smile as I snatch a donut and take a large bite.   
"Yeah Amethyst, don't talk with your mouth full." I tease through a mouth full of donut and Pearl makes a disgusted noise accompanied by her sharp elbow to my side.   
Amethyst shoots me a grin and I winked back and sat down, gesturing for Pearl to join us. "Okay, I just want to first say thank you for offering to help. But this isn't a quick fix problem, and you all stand the risk of getting hurt by my emotional backlash when it comes to fusing. If you don't want that then it is completely okay to leave now or at any other point and I will not think less of you for it." I pause and wait to see if the other three would leave as I had secretly hoped but in the silence three pairs of resolute gazes rest solidly on me. "But if you are going to try and help me then you deserve the full story..." 

 

Their faces had been shocked and horrified at what Homeworld did not just to me but to so many other gems. Whenever we thought our corrupt world couldn't be any worse something else would come along and make us think it was. I told them of how it started; a simple test to see how powerful cross fusions could be or at least that's what they told us it would be. I told them that they started sending these fusions to fight in the war or on missions, I had been ecstatic to have been chosen and paired with a legendary Onyx warrior. At least I was until I noticed that most of the other test subjects came back cracked or corrupted or they didn't come back at all. I told them of the day we realized that we would be forced to stay fused forever or at least until the war was over, we unfused but they forced us back together and did something to our fusion so that we could never separate. Onyx screamed and fought and took down several gems and I summoned my weapon and tried to...- my voice wavers slightly at this point and I can't look my friends in the eyes- I tried to shatter my gem, I didn't want to continue living the way I had been. Shattering and hurting hundreds of gems and all the time wishing one of them would manage to hit mine or Onyx's so we'd finally be free. But no one came close to that, we stayed fused together and became a fusion of hate and pain and regret and that only made us stronger. Homeworld loved that... We were fused for a very long time, it felt like an eternity of damnation. And then Rose- I smile wistfully as I say her name-, we finally encountered the legendary Crystal Gem leader and she looked at us with such sorrow in her eyes and asked if we were okay. Only Rose would do that, we attacked her anyway but she beat us. Her sword, it went straight through us and poof! After all that time we separated, Onyx had by that point reached her breaking point and she became corrupted and managed to get away. But I fully expected Rose to shatter me and I wouldn't have fought back. She didn't... Instead she helped me to my feet and asked if I was alright and offered to let me go or stay with her and join the rebellion. After what Homeworld did and after she saved what was left of my mind I saw no reason to hold any loyalty to Homeworld. I joined the Crystal Gems and I still believe that was the best decision I've ever made. 

I finished trying to summarize centuries worth of experience and stare down at the ground, chewing anxiously on my lip until I'm pulled sideways into a crushing hug. Long soft hair tickles my arms and neck and I wrap my arms around Amethyst to return to affection. Seated next to me I feel Pearl wrap her wiry arms around the both of us as she tucks her head into the crook of my neck. I feel my chest go tight and close my eyes to bury my face in Amethyst's thick hair while feeling Steven climb into my lap and wrap his arms tightly around my waist.   
"Is this what fusion is supposed to be like?" I ask softly and hear a gentle laugh from Pearl and feel all the arms around me tighten slightly.   
"It's even better than this." Steven answers firmly.   
"I think that must be nice..." I say distantly while looping one arm around Pearl and Steven and the other stays around Amethyst.   
"It will be, don't worry Y/N." Amethyst reassures me and I smile.   
I don't know how long we stay like that but when we separate I find that I can't stop smiling and neither do they. But a small part of me wishes Garnet had been here. A rather large small part if I'm honest... 

"Okay! I think today we should just get you used to the idea of fusion being positive before you try and fuse." Steven announces from on top of a giant strawberry that I have no idea how he got on top of. I nod and Pearl and Amethyst make affirmative sounds.   
"So what do we do?" Steven scratches his head and hums thoughtfully at my question.   
"How about we dance, all of us. Not to fuse or anything but just to have fun?" He's adorable as he enters coach mode and I smile fondly at him.   
"That sounds like it could be fun, Amethyst and Pearl?" I turn to the others to see if they're fine with the idea.   
"Sure." Amethyst replies nonchalantly but she's grinning excitedly.   
"Well I wouldn't say no to dancing." Pearl confirms as I knew she would. With an amused smile I offered her my hand as music began to play from Steven's phone.   
"May I have this dance?" She rolls her eyes at my formal tone but there is a smile on her lips as she takes my hand and allows herself to be twirled into my arms until we settle into a slow waltz that quickly becomes a fast paced dance with no clear order or steps but we're laughing as we spin and dip each other.   
Occasionally I see Amethyst and Steven trying to compete with us.   
"Step it up Steven, we're getting creamed!" She hisses at him and I laugh and lower Pearl into an extravagant dip while the both of us smirk at the shorter two. Amethyst huffs.   
"Switch!" She yells and suddenly I pull Pearl upright and she twirls me away from her until I end up with Amethyst and she's with Steven. I instantly adapt to Amethyst's style of dancing, her eyes glitter wickedly from behind her thick white hair as we dance around each other, hips rolling and hair flying as we each try to outdo the other with more and more outrageous moves that leave the other breathless from laughter. Steven yells for us to switch just as Amethyst shapeshifts into a worm to actually do the worm. I was still laughing when I paired up with Steven and we can hear Pearl admonishing her new dance partner but there's an amused note to her voice.   
Steven and I make faces at each other as we do the Macarena while sticking out our tongues and laughing at ourselves. Eventually we give up on that and dance however we please, he stands on my feet and we link hands as I guide him through the steps of a simple waltz, smiling indulgently as Steven laughs every time I spin him.   
Off to the side I see Amethyst and Pearl collide and there is a familiar flash of white light and then there is Opal, graceful and serene as she idly surveys the clearing. Her ineffable eyes dance and she smiles as her gaze comes to rest on Steven and I, our mouths open as we stare at the fusion in shock. Steven is the first to recover as he runs towards her with a joyful shout and leaps at her. She chuckles and easily catches him.   
"Hello Steven, it's good to see you again." One of her hands brushes the hair from his face in a gentle gesture. "Hello Y/N, it's been a very long time." Her voice is warm and light and I smile shyly and walk over to the pair.   
"I'd almost forgotten how amazing you are." I reply breathlessly as I revel in her calming presence. Again she chuckles softly and extends a hand to me as I drew near pulling me into a loose hug.   
"Still as charming as ever, I see." She commented and I winked at her, drawing another gentle laugh from her.   
"I forgot that you had four arms." I remarked absently as I glanced at one of her arms around me and another holding Steven while a third rested on my head. Opal snorted in a surprisingly delicate way.   
"That means you don't see me often enough anymore." She said with an eyebrow arched and I rolled my eyes and returned the hug.   
"You haven't changed a bit." I said with a fond sigh. "But I wouldn't mind seeing you more often."   
She laughed and sat down, pulling the two of us to her.   
"Of course you wouldn't." Opal confirmed smugly.


	9. I'm back in the closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trapping three people in a closet is supposed to end up with some smut or something but you, Ruby and Sapphire are too awkward to even say the word sex around each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back assholes.   
> Honestly I do plan on finishing this, I'm just terrible with planning and organization in general. So thank you to everyone who's still reading this and all the people who have been reviewing and asking for updates. Seriously you guys got my butt moving. Love ya!

Fusion training, as it turned out, involved alot more than just dancing. Steven had settled on the idea of daily meditations and even one session with a psychologist which had not ended well for the human. There were dozens of new exercises and ideas implemented to help me work through all the issues that influenced my fusing, but the most strenuous one was definitely the other three gems finding ways to entrap me in situations and with Ruby and Sapphire. 

"This is the fourth time this week." I huffed as I stretched out my legs in the tiny broom closet we were trapped in. My head fell back against the wall with a dull thud. "You'd think they'd find something more romantic than a broom closet."   
"I'm not sure they're aiming for a romantic atmosphere." Ruby commented in a wry tone.   
"Maybe they want us to work on our crippling self esteem and traumatic histories instead of having a candle lit dinner." Sapphire deadpanned and I let out a short laugh. The other two gems were smiling as well.  
"Garnet really holds back the snark, doesn't she." Ruby eyed me in amusement as I spoke.   
"Not really, she's just more subtle about it than Sapphire." I snorted and Sapphire looked smug.   
"Well, we can just kick the door down anyway." I reasoned, none of us made any move to do so. Instead we just slouched further against the walls and fell into a comfortable silence.   
"Are you three talking in there? Pearl, what if they can't breathe?" I snorted at Steven's panicked question from just outside the door.   
"Steven, gems don't need to breathe. And give them some privacy."   
"You just had your ear to the door, Pearl."   
"Amethyst! I-I... I was concerned. Yes, concerned."  Their bickering voices grew fainter as they moved away. 

I looked at Ruby and Sapphire as they leaned against each other across from me.   
"Why are you still unfused ? You've never gone this long apart." I'm relieved when they don't appear angered by my question. Instead they look at each other, having their own silent conversation before looking back at me.   
"We were worried." Ruby admitted. My eyebrows drew together as I frowned.   
"Worried about what, I didn't affect your fusing did I ?" I sit upright at the thought until Sapphire interrupts.   
"No." She cuts me off firmly. "We're worried about how we behave as Garnet. The last time you saw her she was fighting you and if you weren't a strong fighter then even I don't know what would have happened..."   
I shifted on the ground and crossed my legs. "But that was fine-"   
"No it wasn't Y/N." Ruby interjected. "We've noticed how things have changed. Everytime Garnet touched you you would flinch or something. You don't feel safe around her and we don't feel confident that we're doing the right thing fusing for now."   
"So until we're certain that we're completely stable as Garnet and everyone is comfortable around her again we're going to stay unfused." Sapphire added and I looked at the two of them speculatively.   
"So... You're not mad or upset?" I feel vulnerable asking the question so fearfully and staring at them in the darkened broom closet.   
They both smile and I felt Ruby lean forward and squeeze my hand reassuringly. "No."   
I breathed a sigh of relief and smiled back. "Well just know that I miss her, and whenever she's ready to come back I'll be happy to see her."   
"We're glad to hear that, Y/N. Now I do believe that the other three have been standing at the door and listening the whole time so who wants kick the door down?" There's panicked noises from outside at Sapphire's admission and the three of us in the broom closet laughed as our friends ran. 

It's hours later when we do actually kick the door down quite easily. I can't help but laugh at Ruby's awful flirtations and Sapphire's witty one liners, and the two of them never seem to look away from me or stop smiling.   
It's a turning point, that moment, when the scales shift and things change. It's a step closer to being okay again.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to try and post the next chapter later this week but tell me what you think so far ! ♥


End file.
